There is an infinite assortment of books on how to improve self-esteem for you or for your children. Life coaching, personal trainers, and fit bit apps have also become enormously popular to help people become their ideal self. Conventional wisdom suggests that improving self-esteem (self regard) through accomplishing goals will make you happier. Maybe?

Research, however indicates that the way people attempt to maintain, enhance or pursue self-esteem goals may actually be the problem.

Pushing for perfection may be causing distress.

Below are reasons the pursuit of self-esteem may be problematic and five self-esteem management skills.

1. Outcome Oriented Distress (OOD): Goals are important. Without them it would be hard to achieve anything. Problems arise however when you define yourself by the outcome. An outcome does not define who you are (ex: losing a desired amount of weight, quitting smoking). Not achieving a goal means that you just didn’t achieve a goal, not that you’re a failure. If you notice you are making a global attribution about yourself based on a perceived failure try to develop a more balanced thought. For example. I didn’t accomplish X, however that doesn’t define me as a person.

 

2. Refrain from Self-Handicapping: Some people manage self-esteem by creating self-imposed barriers to goals. For example, someone afraid of failing a test may wait to the last minute. Consequently, if they fail they can rationalize and attribute the failure to lack of time, rather than another variable such as intellect or ability. One way to manage self-handicapping is to reframe success. Success can be viewed not as the outcome, but as the amount of effort you put into a project. If you put everything into a project this can diminish regret and possibly leave you with a sense of peace, knowing you did everything you could.

 

3. Failure is your Friend: Approach failure or not achieving a goal with curiosity. You are more prone to learn from a mistake or set back than you are from success. Often people however are too shameful to look at their mistakes to protect their self-esteem. This prevents learning or understanding new ways to adapt to a problem. In any new venture, failure is often part of the process rather than a defining end result.

 

4. Enjoy the Ride: Often people are so focused on obtaining a goal that they are not mindful about the process. For example, if you are so focused on getting an A in class you make lose appreciation for what you are learning. This can diminish obtaining a richer understanding of the material because you may just be concerned with the test/ end result. Living life focusing on your present self rather than your future self (me when I achieve my goal) cannot only help you manage your self esteem, but may even help provide better results.

 

5. Gratitude: Often people are prone to look for what is missing and what they don’t have. If only I had X I would feel better about myself. Take five minutes and write about what you have and feel grateful for. What your looking for may actually be right in front of you.

 

References:
Cocker, J., & Park, E. L. (2004). The Costly Pursuit of Self Esteem. Psychological Bulletin, 130, 392-414..