Most people do not like conflict. People pleasers are particularly conflict adverse. They are often extremely afraid of confrontation and consequently manage conflict by being extremely agreeable. If you find that at work you often can’t say no to others, then you may be a people pleaser. People pleasers fear saying no will negatively impact their connection with others. They often believe that others have excessively high standards of them. They fear if they fail to meet other people’s standards they will be viewed negatively, abandoned or fired.
Problems People Pleasers Face:
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The Yes Syndrome: People pleasers fear disapproval and will accept assignments and tasks when they should say “no”. Their work may suffer because they are taking on too much. Consequently, they may be prone to burn out. Additionally, the pattern of saying “yes”, all the time can create a self-fulfilling prophecy regarding high expectations from others. Their supervisors will continue to expect them to do more since historically they are so agreeable.
People pleasers belief that they are unable to say “no” leaves them feeling resentful. This anger or resentment may come out passively straining relationships. Eventually holding in frustration can lead to unprofessional outbursts. Lastly, internalized resentment can contribute to depression, withdrawal and poor job satisfaction.
- Procrastination: People pleasers are also prone to procrastination related to fear of making a mistake and disappointing others. The fear of disappointing a colleague, supervisor or client can cause inaction leading to missing deadlines or anxiety.
Tips for Pleasers
- Setting boundaries: Setting boundaries can be very helpful for people pleasers. Saying no, when appropriate, can help garner respect, and decrease passive aggression. By setting boundaries others may be less likely to view pleasers as a pushover. It is important however for pleasers not to go to the other extreme, by saying “no” all the time. When saying “no”, pleasers should be assertive, but not aggressive. Explain politely any logistical difficulties taking on increased tasks may cause is beneficial. Sticking to the facts and offering alternative solutions when setting a boundary is the best policy. Additionally, distinguishing between tasks were saying no may not be acceptable or cause more harm is necessary.
- Refrain from selective attention: Often people pleasers engage in selective attention. This means there is a bias to focus just on the negative and how they failed or may disappoint others.
- Self-Validate/Affirm: Some supervisors just refrain from affirmation. People pleasers should be careful not to personalize this lack of validation on the job. People pleasers would benefit by developing meaningful hobbies or activities that they can learn to master. Engaging in meaningful endeavors or roles could support their sense of self and make people pleasers less dependent on work feedback.
- Psychotherapy and acceptance skills: Psychotherapy and acceptance skills can help people pleasers develop more balanced thinking, tolerate mistakes and the universal reality that you can’t please everyone. It is important that people pleasers in psychotherapy refrain from just agreeing with their therapist to seek validation. Therapy can be a good place for pleasers to practice assertiveness skills and express needs.