This spring it may be a good opportunity to clean up some of those toxic friendships that are leaving your life feeling messy and cluttered. It is well documented that good friendships can have numerous benefits. Toxic friendships however can cause damage psychologically and physically. Research suggests that negative relationships are associated with a higher level of proteins related to inflammation, and heart disease (Chiang, Eisenberger, Seeman & Taylor, 2012).
Yes! The burdensome or irritating friend you have in your life may be affecting your health.
3 friendship types to try to avoid and tips on how to manage them
- The Drainer: This individual is always having a problem that they have to discuss with you. Often when given advice they will reject it. Conversely, if you listen and attempt to be empathic they may complain that you are not doing enough. If you have a problem they will ultimately bring the focus back to themselves. In-spite of how much you give to them they will desire more from you. Their interpersonal style may leave them with very few friends. You can attempt to give them feedback, about their behavior, but it is unlikely this will be effective. The best policy may be to terminate the relationship. If you do decide to continue your friendship, creating strict boundaries regarding how much time you can spend with them and what you are able to offer is necessary.
- Envious/Frenemy: You may have been initially drawn to this person because you have similar interests and passions. This may have led you to believe that they understand you. They may appear ostensibly compassionate. In time however, you may find that they are always trying to convey their superiority. If they achieve a promotion or success they will tell you in a fashion that simultaneously highlights their greatness while devaluing you. If you achieve success you may receive a back-handed compliment. In a sense, the dynamic may resemble a sibling rivalry without the love, appreciation or a genetic/familial tie. It is best to end your connection with the person if being with them makes you feel bad about yourself. In some cases the only reason you are hanging on to the relationship may be because you have been friends with them for a long time. This however, is often not a sufficient reason.
- Flakers: Flakers are unreliable regarding plans. They may cancel at the last minute, fail to call you back and in general typically focus on what is best for them at all times. In-spite of this neglectful behavior they may always appear happy to see you. When you are with them you may also enjoy their company. Often their neglectful behavior towards you is not personal, or malicious as they treat everyone in a similar fashion. You may elect to terminate your relationship with them because you can’t count on them. Another alternative is to have virtually no expectations and make sure not to rely on them for anything serious. The mindset you can adopt if you do keep them in your life could be “when you see them you see them”.
References:
Chiang, J, J., Eisenberg, I, N., Seeman., T, E., & Taylor, E, S (2012). Negative and competitive social interactions are related to heightened pro-inflammatory cytokine activity Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of The United States of America, 109, 1878-1882.