Increasingly many of my clients are self-diagnosing themselves with FOMO (The Fear of Missing Out). My clients report the pain of either being alone, working, or attending a pedestrian family gathering, while others are backstage at U2, on electrifying dates, or frolicking with the elite in the Hamptons. Although FOMO is not a DSM-V diagnosis it is now in the Oxford Dictionary. FOMO is defined as anxiety that one is missing out on an exciting event, social interaction or opportunity that is occurring elsewhere. FOMO is exacerbated by social media updates where people get a glimpse of what they are missing out on. Often when people struggle with FOMO there is a fear that they have made the wrong decision regarding how they have spent their time.
Below are tips on how to manage FOMO situations:
- Idealization: We often idealize what we lack, which can cause FOMO. When idealizing the fantasy is that what is missing is somewhere out there. The ethereal digital world becomes a window into what one does not have. From a distance however, flaws are more faint. The elusive event or experience is imbued with perfection. The FOMO sufferer longs for the event or experience they cannot have. What may really be missing is a person’s internal self-regard and sense of personal meaning. When you have a secure self your constant hunger and desire to merge with something perceived as more grand decreases. Idealization is a defense against living in the present.
- Being Alone:
- Being Mindful:
- Object Constancy:
To manage idealization keep in mind that if someone is having an idyllic experience they are likely engrossed in what they are doing rather than posting a picture of it.
FOMO is often activated when alone. When alone it can be beneficial to explore one’s own creativity. Writing, reading and connecting with oneself can lead to discoveries. These discoveries can make you feel more alive and vital as you have the opportunity to formulate and consolidate thoughts, feeling and concepts. Self-building, which occurs when alone changes your presence and how you interact in relationships. In essence, learning how to connect with yourself fosters deeper connection with others.
People with FOMO struggle because they are preoccupied thinking about where they should be or how much better things would be if they were at that happy hour, the beach, etc. Learning to be mindful can help FOMO sufferers focus on the present and take in positive aspects of what is right in front of them. To help facilitate mindfulness and decrease FOMO try not checking your phone or social media and make a commitment, even if you fail, to strive to draw you attention to the present moment.
This is a concept stemming from developmental psychology in which the child at 18 months develops the capacity to understand that the object (ex: a toy) although no longer in front of them still exists when moved aside. To modify and apply this concept to FOMO it is important to keep in mind that in most cases the “ultimate opportunity” you missed, will occur and likely exists, albeit somewhat differently in the future. Ironically, when the opportunity does present itself again it is possible you may be there and start thinking, “I wish I was somewhere else”. If you do you know you have some serious FOMO.