In response to my last blog on FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) many people have also expressed experiencing FOBI (Fear of Being Included). FOBI according to self reports from clients is distress or reluctance about being invited to join a group or social event. A more conflicted; subtype occurs when people initially express an interest to join an event or social group, but later when included, experience anxiety and distress. To a certain extent Groucho Marx’s quote “Please accept my resignation. I don’t want to be part of any club that would accept me as a member”, captures the essence of conflicted FOBI.
For more on the psychological dynamics of FOBI (Fear of Being Included) see below:
Devaluation: The person doubts the value of an event or group if it lacks the discrimination to accept or embrace them. The group or event is re-evaluated in a critical fashion, as there is an enhanced hyper attention on the negative aspects of the members or event/association. Comments such as “it takes too much time,” I find them “boring,” are examples of comments that emerge after the individual receives the invitation or acceptance into the group. Once invited into a dynamic a person may project unappealing aspects of themselves onto the group to buttress self-esteem.
At times the onset of the devaluation may be delayed and the person’s distaste for the event/social group may only emerge right before the meeting is about to commence. This can occur because of anxiety about participating or living up to the expectations that the group or event may request of the members. In this context devaluing is a defense against being rejected.
Affirmation: At times an individual with FOBI also has a FOMO condition. For example, the person may initially experience FOMO and desire the affirmation of being included in a social event or group. They feel slighted when not included which can stem from self-esteem issues. However, once invited the individual realizes that the only thing appealing about the group or event was getting in. They were so caught up in wanting affirmation that they lost sight of the fact that they were not interested in what they initially thought they desired.
Cancellation Relief: The person requests plans because it may appear socially appropriate and/or conveys an affinity towards others. They really do not want the plans to happen. Their expectation is that the plans won’t come to fruition. When the plans do occur the individual may experience distress and anxiety and cancel at the last minute. At other times the other party will cancel the event. A wave of relief often ensues when cancellation occurs and the individual is no longer obligated to attend.
Suffocation: Some individuals are extremely internal and introverted. Being with others creates distress and anxiety because it takes them away from their own self-exploration and thoughts. They experience being part of a group as impinging on their internal space. At times they may overestimate how much energy and responsibility participating in a group or event will consume.
FOBI Management Tips:
- Identity: Keep in mind being accepted into a group or attending an event does not define who you are. Understanding you can be simultaneously a part of something and still maintain your identity, may be helpful.
- Temporality: Try not to magnify the burden of being somewhere you don’t want to be. The unpleasant event will pass and you will eventually return back to where you are more comfortable. Riding out the event like a wave and understand that the event will pass, can help.
- Negative Judgment: Repeating negative feelings incessantly while in a group or event you would rather not be at just makes it worse. Focus on the positive and try to engage with something or someone at the event. Maybe you will end up surprised and happy that you are there.
- Making Decisions: Be mindful of events or groups that you sign on to. Do you really want to be included or do you just desire affirmation. Don’t be impulsive or say yes without thinking. Pay attention to your needs so you can be better at avoiding unpleasant or unwanted activities or social events.