What Makes Love Last? As we know there are couples that stay happily married for many decades. How do they do it? When pondering this question, the movie, “When Harry Met Sally” came to mind. In the opening scene, as a schmaltzy jazz soundtrack plays in the background, elderly couples discuss how they met. As they talk an obvious pattern emerges. When the first couple is interviewed the man refers to his wife as beautiful and describes how he was immediately smitten as though hit by cupid’s arrow. He is oozing with fondness and admiration. As he speaks she reaches out and touches her husband’s arm. Her smile, head nodding, and loving grasp of his arm say it all. In the scene the last interview is between the two characters Harry and Sally. They were friends for 12 years before they got married and at the end of the movie their friendship still endures.

The movie appears to declare the answer to a successful, long lasting, romantic relationship is friendship, fondness, and mutual respect. But can we trust a romantic comedy, particularly from the 80’s, as a guide for marital success? Many scientifically minded individuals may be skeptical. Interestingly, John Gottman, a psychologist who has been conducting research on marital relationships and couples for over thirty years has found results similar to Ephron’s conclusions. His studies indicate that the key to a strong relationship is also the friendship bond. Even if a relationship has high conflict a strong friendship can buttress the dyad against stormy interpersonal strife. Couples with a strong friendship have overwhelmingly positive feelings that can help them override difficulties. They have humor, affection and engage in with each other in activities, conversation or observations. They explore internally the landscape of their partner’s lives sharing worldviews and life dreams. Their conflict, even if frequent, does not supplant the positive sentiment that the couple has for each other.

Additionally, couples with a strong friendship do not typically display what Gottman refers to as the “Four Horseman.” Engaging in “Four Horseman” behavior can erode the marital friendship leaving the relationship tattered.

Gottmans’ Four Horseman:

1. Complaining: Complaining suggests the partner’s character is defective. This is typically a global attribution about someone. A comment such as you are always losing your temper goes beyond a situational issue or conflict. It suggests that someone is an aggressive person not just acting aggressively.
2. Stonewalling: This is emotionally withdrawing from an interaction. For example, a partner may passively agree to avoid conflict or confrontation. They become emotionally distant from their partner living physically in the same place, but psychologically on another planet.
3. Defensiveness: This occurs when a person does not take responsibility for a specific act. Instead of taking responsibility they may follow a complaint their partner makes with a counter complaint. For example, one partner may say, “you always forget to take out the garbage.” The other partner may then reply, “that’s not true at all and you never clean the house.”
4. Contempt: This behavior that indicates that you are superior to your partner. Insults, calling your partner names, correcting their grammar, mocking them are some examples of contempt. As you can see contempt directly opposes a strong friendship connection.

The good news is that even if a relationship endures some of the “Four Horseman” the relationship can be repaired and the friendship can be restored. In the movie “When Harry Met Sally, “ both characters at one point were not friends and even contemptuous of each other. However, they were able to work it out and exchange perspectives. They were receptive of one another, repairing their friendship and finally recognizing their love.